Tug of War

Today is officially the last day of my maternity leave with child numero dos.  I've had the following emotions today:  
Bleck:  Getting out of bed at what time?  
Delight:  That little boy really likes to giggle! 
Wonder:  Another onesie?  Really?  Kid, you do like to spit up.  
OH CRAP:  (Probably said something else, but I'll be polite.) What am I going to book talk 1st hour on Monday morning?  Guess we know who will be doing homework this weekend.  
Frustration: Kid, will you nap so Mama can blog?  
Sadness: Really, I have to go to work and leave him with daycare and he'll never be this small again and that baby smell will soon disappear and ohhhhhh....


Last week I discovered Mommy blogger Glennon Melton from the Huffington Post.  Her post from earlier this week was called "Friendly Fire" and was about the never ending debate of whether or not women should work outside the home.  She'd heard a radio program earlier in the week that had women debating the issue.  Of course, all of the callers, she noted, were women from one side of the issue or the other. 


She says that if you are a working mom you are racked with Mommy Guilt that goes something like this:  "YOU KNOW, THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND WIFE IS IF YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AND STAY HOME."  And if you are a stay-at home mom you are racked with the Mommy Guilt that goes something like this: "YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'D BE A BETTER MOTHER AND WOMAN IF YOU COULD JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WORK."


She relates these thoughts to a scene in the movie "Liar, Liar" where Jim Carey's characters is in the bathroom and is busy throwing himself against walls and punching himself.  When there is a knock on the door he says, ""I WAS KICKIN' MY ASS! DO YA MIND?" And Melton replies:  "I understand the act of kicking one's own ass. I do it all the time."


Yep.  Let me just say, we are so good at that, us women.  That kickin' our own asses thing when it comes to our jobs as moms.   Melton's post really hit home this week.  Child numero dos went to daycare for the first time.  We did a quick trial day--to let daycare get used to him, for him to get used to daycare, and most importantly: for me to get used to not being around him 99% of the day (and because I needed a good day of errands and back to work shopping).  I cried half of the day.  Blubbering at home.  Holding it in at Caribou.  Sobbing to music in the car.  Trying to contain the continued blubbering on errands.  Seriously.  Seriously? Yep, I spent most of the day mentally kicking my own ass. 


On Monday I start work again.  And it's going to stink.  But then I'll be in the swing of things after a few days and dare I admit it now?  I'll like it. I'll like getting out of the house, dressed and presentable.  I'll like talking books with teenagers.  I'll get really frustrated with them, but it's pretty enjoyable. And then it will happen. I will eventually start kicking my own ass again.  For liking what I do and for spending time with other people's kiddos each day and not my own.  


And so after reading the "Friendly Fire" blog entry, I have to keep reminding myself.  I have the best of both worlds.  I get to be both a working mom for 9 months and then a stay-at-home mom in the summer.  I get it when the working mom screams, "QUIT YOUR JOB AND STAY HOME."  I get it when you need to take a day off (albeit sick or otherwise) and run errands to stay sane or to chaperone your kids this or that.  And I get it when stay-at-home moms screams, "I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!"  I get it when you need to tell your hubby that he's watching the kids so you can get a cup of coffee and read for a whole solitary hour with no interruptions.  I so get both sides of mommyland. And it's a hard choice to figure out which one is right for me or for you. I just wish, for either side, I didn't end up kickin' my own ass so much--that there wasn't such a tug of war pulling at my heartstrings.   

What Time Is It?

It's 2 am and I'm sitting in bed reading on my laptop.  I'm not sure this is the best thing to be doing--should be well, 1. SLEEPING.  2. reading a book from my pile that is growing exponentially or 3. at least emptying the dishwasher or folding clothes.  Instead, I woke up for my usual mid-sleep potty break and find myself here.  AWAKE.  How is it possible to be so extremely exhausted, and not able to sleep?  Seriously.  Since starting back to work, I haven't had the preggo insomnia that got to me in the summer--I think pure exhaustion from work (school) is the *nice* cause of my ability to sleep and sleep hard but somehow it's back tonight.  Again, seriously?  I was so exhausted trying to put the kiddo down to bed, and then talk on the phone to both parents and hubby (did I mention it's Single Mom Week Here at JAA?) that I was barely coherent and hardly able to stand straight...and now....Hmmm....

I lament the at least 2 books sitting to be reviewed/blogged about on my nightstand.  Really, I need to find the time to at least blog the 2 books I'm done with...I lament the entire basket of books to read--both JA fanfic and YA.  Instead, I'm catching up on my favorite organizing blog (nesting much these days?) and stalking random friends on FB.  Not good. I might need to "block" FB and Google Reader from myself for a while.

In other excitement, I received my first, sort of, official book to review from an author/publisher yesterday.  There was some giddy excitement as I ripped open the envelope and looked at it!  Really, if I could get my act together and work on my book review skills, I'd blog more and work on reviewing a bit more full time.

But in the meantime...
I cringe at /wallow in/get through (and yes, sometimes delight, I admit)  A: the perils of iMovie 6 and its bugs at work. (Insert several swear words here.)  B: The eternal:  "Mrs. B. do you remember that one book that's blue and has a tree on the cover?  It's about this girl...." (Seriously, kiddo there are X number of books in the library and N are blue....but yes, I do actually....) and finally...

C: Did I mention that tomorrow is an evening equivalent to Parent/Teacher Conference night at work?  Beware of the Sleep Deprived (Pregnant) Mom.  'Nuff Said.

Beware of the Sleep Deprived Mom

At the last bookfair my school held, I picked up a cute little sticker that said, "Beware of the sleep deprived mom!" I bought two, thinking that some one or other of my dearheart girlfriends with a kid (kids) needed one, too.  After carrying this little sticker around in my day-planner-calendar-keep-me-sane book for several months, I've come to the possible conclusion that perhaps, just perhaps, I should change the name of this blog to that quote.  It might better fit my life right now...

So, dear blog, it's been awhile.  And while I do have some Jane Austen blogging to do--I have been reading in my hiatus--I also have some mom updates, thoughts and ruminations for this blog entry.

• First, let's be upfront.  A hiatus from blogging?  Sleep deprivation?  Tums in my purse?  Yes, this sleep deprived mom will be going from just a little bit of sleep deprivation to a significant amount at the end of October with the arrival of Baby Boy.  I've started suggesting names like Fitzwilliam or Darcy, but I just get these strange looks from DH.  Hmmmm...At least I'm not suggesting Willoughby or Wickham! Geez!

• Not sure how I feel about this article: Regrets of a Stay-At-Home Mom. My gut reaction:  Can you say bitter much about your divorce, lady?  

•  Here and there I get it in my head that I (read that as we:  daughter and I) need a craft project.  There have been several this winter/spring.  (Think foam monkey Valentine's, felt projects etc. We did forgo May Day this year. I was disappointed but too exhausted to care.  There's always next year.) I thought I'd share two here.... 

Somewhere around Miss L's 2nd birthday, I saw this project in a magazine and couldn't help myself.  Yes, that's a homemade felt cornucopia!  Thank you, DH, for helping to cut out the shapes!  Seriously, this bunch of veggies and fruit has been a great addition to our kitchen playtimes.  Miss L has been making stews and soups galore!  They are great! And better than the cornucopia is the little toy grocery basket I found at the dollar store--we grocery shop at our house quite a bit with this basket and set up felt goodies.

 

 Elmo Cupcakes for the 2nd birthday!  Really cute, but so many on a tray is a bit frightening, yes?  These are about as shnazzy as I do when it comes to cakes/cupcakes.  I am thinking about making cupcakes a birthday tradition at our house. 

• We finally had a first solo overnight for the kiddo at Grandma and Grandpa's this February.  Everyone did fine and really it was mom (me, not my mom) who needs to learn to chill.  Sigh...

• At our church kids can start Sunday school at 2.  We started attending in January and it is here that I point out the "we."  As in L and I.  Together.  Or else SCREAMING would occur.  Miss L thinks Sunday school rocks and is pretty excited when church is done.  She might be mute during the whole of class, but rehashes the entire hour in the car on the way home.  We've spent a lot of time talking about how in the fall she will go to Sunday school by herself without Mommy.  Stay tuned to find out how that works for us... 

• As we've reached the mid-twos here, I feel it is my duty to record 2 of the following events.  Both of which had DH and I rolling on the floor in laughter and somehow cringing at the same time.  At one point Miss L was complaining that her bottom hurt.  She said she needed "the diaper cream."  The next thing we knew she'd disappeared and DH went to find her.  From the kitchen I heard, "Some assistance here, please!"  Miss L had found the diaper cream, taken off her diaper and was happily smearing it on her bottom.   

Similarly, I'd hardly had a chance to blink and ask, "Did you poop?" one afternoon (me again in   the kitchen and her in the living room) and was drying my hands when I heard a door close and realized it was the bathroom door.  I ran to the bathroom to discover said child, diaperless and dumping the contents of her diaper into the toilet to flush away.   After both incidents we had to talk about asking Mommy or Daddy for help with these tasks.  Oh, such a big little person!

• And finally, we did our first trip involving an airplane with Miss L this spring.  We went to Ann Arbor to celebrate the wedding of a good friend and knew that the 14-16 hour drive wasn't in the cards for us with toddler in tow.  While flying might be a big deal to some folks, it is for us--or for me at least.  The older I get, the more I hate flying.  Usually I take some "mild tranquilizers"  as my doctor puts it (I tend to make myself sick).  This time, no such luck given my expanding waistline.  Instead, I bucked up with a smile on my face and let DH sit next to the kiddo on the plane. We went armed with quiet activities, but really flying out all we needed was a snack and the window seat!  Seriously, I was about to get out the Elmo DVD's or Follow That Bird to keep me occupied on both flights...

Miss L was a weekend trooper, given 3 days sans naps and did reasonably well on the plane ride home. She was just a bit grouchier as we made our decent, but 3 days without a nap will do that do a kid.  We had a great time celebrating with our friends.  DH sang some of his best man speech.  (Truly priceless! He's thankful I didn't record it on the camera and I'm kicking myself.) We were thankful for the extra assistance of my in-laws at the reception (Miss L can spot a park/playground a MILE away or just next door, thank you, Grandpa!)  We are also thankful for the holding up of our GPS (it's got some charging issues) and its magically ability to point us in the direction of a park in an unknown neighborhood when it was just what we needed or an Arby's for that matter...And I called it, Miss L was asleep by the time we were pulling out of the park and ride parking lot in our own car. 

And so with those thoughts and ruminations, I click "publish post"  dear blog. I think it will be the beginning of a new tag here at JAA.  So if you see this tag and can't handle its lack of Janeness, well, I'm sure there's a Jane quote for that but I don't have the energy to find it because I need a nap.

~With Love, the sleep deprived mom on a restricted caffeine diet, aka a Jane Austen Addict.